It was 22.45pm and I was lying in bed with my other half listening to a full body scan meditation video, everything was quiet and my body was starting to relax and my mind fall asleep. I must have been half asleep when I realized the video had stopped and I could put my phone on the side. At that point a random, irrational and pointless thought entered my head…. I went into a panick attack. The words were spinning in my head, like 1000 webpages had opened on the browser in my mind, all spam, and ad blocker seems to have stopped working. As I try to shut them all down the browser in my mind crashes and sends me into a spin. I can’t shake the thoughts and go into a vicious cycle of ruminating and trying to calm down – all making me feel worse.
I know D isn’t asleep yet so I ask if I can have a cuddle because I’m not feeling well. I say I’m having another panick attack so he cuddles me and holds my hand. Tears roll down my cheek as I say I just can’t switch my mind off. He says he can’t either. I know his thoughts are about work and his masters, mine are nonsense, but trying to filter my thoughts can sometimes feel impossible.
The thought that I have to travel over an hour into work tomorrow adds to the anxiety. What if my anxiety gets bad again and I feel like I can’t carry on working? Now i’m shaking as well as crying along with my racing heart.
It’s now 7.32 in the morning and I’m drinking a tea before I get ready for work. I’m feeling calmer, and the thoughts seem to have left me for now. I think I need to check in on my anxiety more frequently to regulate how I’m feeling and reduce the panick attacks again. I’m going to call the GP today and ask for a telephone appointment. My mental health is just as important as my physical health and if I have to take a morning off work to see a GP about more beta blockers I will. I didn’t want to take the time off, but as I say to my service users – your health comes first – I should take my own advice sometimes.